Friday, September 29, 2006

Friday, September 29, 2006

I miss her so much! It's my birthday today and I've been wished a happy birthday by many people including my father. The one person I won't hear from is my Grammy Strong. Here I am crying right now too dammit. Last year she gave me 3 frozen pizza's and a movie. I laughed once I got to the car, but now that I think of it I so miss those wacky gifts.. She was just thinking of me and making it so I didn't have to cook on my birthday. She didn't have alot of money so we didn't expect anything from her.. We told her actually just having her here was enough. I don't have that anymore and I'm sad about that. I'll never get to tell her how much I really loved her. I still have these feelings of guilt, not going to visit all that much and I only lived a tiny drive away.. I feel guilty for getting upset when she kept falling down, or not making it to the bathroom on time and having to go over there and helping because I was the closest one. I wasn't mad at her, I guess I was most mad at my uncle for not being there like he should have been. Getting so angry at him made me a miserable person. The last time I remember having to go over there, she had fallen on the floor and she couldn't get up because her stroke back when I was 12 really screwed her up. She didn't have the use of her right arm or hand and it was difficult for her to bend her knees due to arthritis. I brought Mark with me even though she said just me because I had hurt my arm and couldn't help lift her.. When we walked in and I saw her on the floor she looked at me and started to cry.I never felt so bad in my life. After we got her all settled, I made her coffee and gave her the meds she needed to take and left.. A bit after she got sick.Every holiday becomes a first without her, same with the birthdays. I know in the end it will be ok, but in the beginning it's the hardest.